That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
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He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
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I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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