What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize