I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
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The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
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Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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