He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
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Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
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All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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