Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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