The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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