I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
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Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
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I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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