Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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