does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
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so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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