Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
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I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
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His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize