headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
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he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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