I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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