My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
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Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
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also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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