I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
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I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
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no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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