He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
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No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
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I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
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