I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize