1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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