dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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