Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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