I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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