we made out on top of his cat.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
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Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
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We left the knife in your bed.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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