If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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