Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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