I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
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Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
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I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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