I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
im holly from the hills drunk
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
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I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
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You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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