Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
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I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
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I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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