The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
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I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
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I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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