i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
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Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
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The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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