we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
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I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
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so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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