New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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