it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
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My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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