hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize