Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need moral support for this bender
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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