I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
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How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
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And then the night went full on bisexual.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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