I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
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I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
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You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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