I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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