considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
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He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
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I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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