I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
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The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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