he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
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No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
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Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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