thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
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Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
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You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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