I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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