dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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