the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize