Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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