My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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