you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
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Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
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I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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