And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
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I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
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You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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