ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
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My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
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I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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