The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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