bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
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I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
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I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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